I spend way too much time thinking about weight loss. Wondering when it’s going to happen, what I can do better, what I’m not doing well, if I’m doomed to being slightly overweight forever, blah blah blah. It’s a tremendous waste of time and energy, but there it is. It’s important for me to be aware of how much I judge myself, and also not judge myself FOR judging. Whew. Thinking about it makes me tired.
I had three long paragraphs written about how I worried that Japanese people judged me for being overweight, being in a different culture and all, but then I realized that I was disassociating myself from my own self-critic. I put my self-critical view onto other people, unfairly, since I have no idea what most of them think of me. I was trying to cut out the part of myself that was the self-critical perfectionist, disowning her and blaming other people for it. I realized that any kind of harsh criticism comes from pain, so I had to take ownership for my Super and love her even though she is a hypercritical, time-obsessed, perfectionist bi……human being who needs just as much compassion as the larger self-loving part of me.
Have I lost you? I do that to myself sometimes. All of this is to say that while I may write posts with awesome advice, I’m usually not taking it, or not exploring the issue deeply enough. I still fall into diet mentalities quite often, worried about calorie intake and energy deficit and the best way to lose weight in a quick manner. It isn’t weight loss for me anymore, it is weight resistance. Why can’t I lose weight? Why am I not healthy yet? What am I doing wrong? I ruminated on this for quite a while, and I realized that I don’t want to lose anything. I want to transform into the best person I can be. I might be afraid of weight loss because it will make me more vulnerable, but I want to become a joyful, radiant, healthy person – and that requires vulnerability. So instead of wondering why I’m not losing weight all the time, I:m telling myself it is ok to be vulnerable.
I practice at developing a healthy, positive lifestyle, but that doesn’t mean that I’m great about everything. That’s my whole point about lifestyles – you’re not perfect and that’s a good thing. I may spend more time than necessary thinking about weight loss, but I’m learning more and more about awareness and judging my own thoughts and feelings. I do feel like I’m on the cusp of a breakthrough in terms of physical health, so I’m just riding the wave of doing what feels good: extended elimination diet, boosting mood through gym time, and trying to swap diet behaviors for lifestyle behaviors. A few examples:
- I tend to come home from work and snack, even if I’m not hungry. I’m going to channel that energy into a quick post-work dance to start my evening and personal time off right. I also my try and do more oil pulling while I’m prepping dinner so I’m not snacking all the time.
- Instead of getting down on myself for judging myself (which is what – compounded judgment? a double whammy?), I’m going to spend more time observing thoughts, being grateful for my innate wisdom, and letting go of the moment to prepare for the next one.
- My appetite has been way way down for the past month or so, and I’m not sure if that is from mild depression or some physical changes going on in my body. I’m going to do my best to listen to what my body needs and honor my hunger – be it hunger for physical nourishment, emotional comfort, or spiritual connection.
- Diet thinking: I was getting really excited about eating less and therefore inducing a calorie deficit, but that is totally diet-thinking. I ended up eating when I didn’t need to and not eating when I should have, which drove up my cortisol. I still have blood sugar regulation issues, so I have to be really careful about listening to what my body needs in order to promote health and not go to extremes for weight loss.
- Lifestyle thinking: Honor my body and what it needs. If I’m not hungry in the morning, I’ll wait to eat until a little later, or have something lighter like vegetables or chicken broth. Emphasize nutrition over calorie-deficits, so if I’m not terribly hungry but not in a place to skip meals (especially dinner), then I’ll eat some broth-based soup with vegetables or low-sugar green smoothie. That way I can keep packing in my 9 cups!
I want to lose weight, but I need to let go of the need. I’m starting here with some exercises, and July’s challenge will unveil a new strategy for living more and worrying less. For now, remembering that I’m not perfect and that is a good think is my first step.